One Donkey Army - Laughing at Silly Humans Since 2004

eBay Safety Tips for Dummies

2004-12-17T20:42:00.000-05:00

Alrighty people... took a little break.. had some holiday shopping and family to entertain.... my condolences to the three people reading......

I got a little advice for you ebayers out there:

If your buying..... DON'T bid on things before there's only a few minutes left on the item.... This gets annoying, and bidding days in advance of the auction end is a waste of time... all you are doing is jacking up the price for everyone else..... The whole idea of shopping on eBay is to get things at a lower price than what you would pay for them in the store. Otherwise, why shop on eBay? This excludes item's of old or unique... but i'm trying to buy some Christmas Toys for the kiddies and these "Spiderman & Friends" action figures are being bought in high demand off the shelves, and then sold on eBay for a 150% profit.... I've seen a "Super Strength Hulk" 3 year olds action figure go for $45.... that's ridiculous when the kids are just gonna bang them against the wall and stick them in there mouths anyways....

If your a seller.... STOP jacking up the prices on shipping.... I know this is where you make your money but, seriously.... It's annoying and your ripping off the American public.... Yes, most of them are stupid enough to fall for your little "Buy a sticker for .99 cents plus $8.99 shipping & handling" ploy..... but still those of us that really know what your up to and really like eBay for it's shopping advantages are getting sick of clicking on false advertising.....

Also... it use to be you could SEARCH for items buy leaving a letter or two out and you might possibly find a hidden deal.... but it seems EBAY has fixed this problem for those silly humans who didn't get a good spelling edubacation. SO... THANKS A LOT EBAY

R.I.P. "Dimebag"

2004-12-10T10:33:00.000-05:00

NOTE: I've decided to drop the whole "I'm an actual Donkey Bit".... Most of the personality was me, so you can still refer to me as "The Donkey"... but the whole bit just got kinda corny after awhile and was limiting, and as I'm experimenting with this site... you're going to see some changes... Let's just say those bits where part of the old site and move on.... Any "I'll Miss You" letters can be sent to the usual place.

Anywho....

"Dimebag" Darrell Abbott... and the rest of Pantera... were a great release for myself when I was younger.... It's that kind of music and music like theirs, that help drive away the frustrations of growing up and everyday life... Without actually going out and hurting someone. It provides a source that someone else actually knows the frustrations your going through, and can overall be a positive influence even though a lot of times it gets a negative overtone.

On that note... GUNS ARE FOR PUSSIES..... I'm sorry, but they are.... They embody everything evil.... and they provide nothing (other than if you shooting cans on a rock) but grief usual for some form of life whether it be human or animal. Without them, the world would be a better place. Plus if you're that angry at someone, it's gonna feel better in the long run just to kick their ass, rather than ending their life. If you can't physically kick someone's ass, get some one to do it for you.... or suck it up. That's life my friend.... but using firearms to end another's life. Your a coward, a pussy, and not worth skin you sit in.

Now a talented guy is no more....

"Keep on thrashing in the afterlife Dimebag..."

One Donkey Army NEW Edition

2004-12-08T22:48:00.000-05:00

One Donkey Army has a NEW Edition....

The Jackass Daily will be bringing you all the latest news, oddities, or other cool stuff around the world....

Check it out here...

Spiritual Numb Nuts

2004-12-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

So "The Donkey" stumbled across this site the other day.... www.GodHatesFags.com... It's amazing that this country gives you the freedoms that they do and one of the things you do is turn the "American Flag" upside down on your site....

Hey... If you don't like homosexuals... That's your choice... but whose business is it of yours to shove your beliefs down others throats..... and then especially involve young kids..... "The Donkey" talked to a form of GOD last night, probably not theirs because he doesn't talk to pieces of crap very often, but you know what he said.....

Midnight Madness

2004-12-08T00:00:00.000-05:00

Silly Humans go Ebay crazy..... Golden Palace seems to be trying to turn into the "Circus SideShow Palace" with their second big ebay spending spree.... They bought a "Ghost & Cane" for $65K...... Now you know all the silly humans and their mothers are going to be making up crazy things to post on de Ebay trying to cash in.... I'll keep an eye out for other crazy online auctions....

Speaking of spending.... There is ZERO donations in the "SMASHING DE DONKEY GAME!" Fund.... Come on people... I need to show THOSE MATTEL BASTARDS NOT TO F WITH THE DONKEY!!!.... "The Donkey" is not asking for a lot.... What you pay for a 75 cent cup of coffee could help save a young donkey from getting his tail pulled. Here's more on what I'm talking about and here's the donate link.... Save a Donkeys Tail This Holiday Season..... Make a Difference.....

Anywho.... I'll end this madness with some words of wisdom.....

When your life has come to it's very last day....
When your teeth are gone and your hair is gray....
When you get the faint smell of death all around....
It sucks to be you.....

MAN! THAT WAS AWESOME!!! Goodnight My Friends......

Tech Stuff

2004-12-07T18:45:00.000-05:00

No Need to Click Here - I'm just claiming my feed at Feedster

Grilled Cheese For Sale

2004-12-07T09:47:00.000-05:00

Ok.... Everybody knows about de crazy lady who had "The Virgin Mary" in de grilled cheese, right?..... If you don't, you need to get out more... Here's a link

Well has anybody seen all de "Grilled Cheese" sandwiches that are appearing on de Ebay? And you silly humans are actually buying them too..... Anyone, please tell me when life has sunk so low that you have to buy a grilled cheese off of de ebay...

Here are some examples of de silly "grilled cheese sandwiches" selling on de Ebay:

Howard Stern Grilled Cheese Sandwich

John Lennon Memorial Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Sponge Bob Grilled cheese made with ghost cane sugar !!

JIMMY HOFFA - FOUND! on a grilled cheese sandwich

you people are LOCO!!!!!!!!!!

Update: Why Spammers Spam...

2004-12-06T21:04:00.000-05:00

Hello my friends... Continuing today's discussion.... "Super Dumper Web Pump" replied to my earlier invite..... here is his response:

to my friend onearmeddonkey.... (very original, changing the name around and such... wonder where he got that idea from? Except.... I've met a lot of Donkeys in my lifetime.... but none of them ever had any arms.... just legs... so he bafooled me with this)

thank you for taking the time to include me on your site. that was very kind of you. i will try to include a reference to your blog on my site as well if i ever write a story about rodents. i find the little animal on your blog to be cute and very funny. your friendship is dear to me and i hope your days be filled with joy and happiness. i think your site is the most well thought out and planned blogs i've seen yet. i salute you sir! well done and bravo! may the angels sprinkle lucky dust on you and your family.

PS. i would also like to add that im sure you are a handsome man with beautiful hair. i only hope i have the chance to save you from a well or a maybe a rockslide. i may love you.

your friend, superdumperwedpump

Very interesting e-mail..... Not at all what I expected.... but him being a master at de fine arts of "copy & paste"..... He bafooled me, once again.... Our discussion continued with my response:

Oh... my friend.... you responded..... good, good.... So we can now began our discussion on "SPAMMERS: Why they SPAM"..... So you're a professional SPAMMER.... why do you SPAM? Is it good for de business? Do you get a lot of good referrals SHOVING your website onto others blags? Is it something I should get into?

You say you may love me... it's a little early into the relationship.... but... uh.... I don't swing that way my friend..... Not that I have anything against that or such.... but "The Donkey" loves de ladies, especially "80's Ladies", if you know what I mean..... "The Donkey" has room for a friend like "Super Dumper Web Pump" in his life... but we can only be friends....Sorry.... That goes for Mr. Biggs too..... Oh, by the way... Donkeys are not rodents.... As a friend, I will not let anyone know about this, we'll let that slide right off the dumb-dumb radar...

I'm very glad you are a big fan of the site... I knew it was good.... but you make me feel like de John Steinbeck. I hope to hear from you again, so we can clue our readers in on why spammers spam...

Thank you for your copy & paste.... Arrivederci!

What a good guy, no?.... I will give him a plug once again.... go to http://superdumperwebpump.blogspot.com for more incite on de "Great Super Dumper Web Pump"

F-U-N with Spammers

2004-12-06T15:10:00.000-05:00

Hey my friends.... "The Donkey" here returning from a long and crazy weekend of too much drinking and not enough of de thinking... you know what I mean? Anywho... Welcome back to another fabulous Monday... where most of de worlds population is back at work right now, hating there jobs... You silly humans work too DAMN MUCH!.... You need to play more.... Maybe then you would be de happier people....eh?

Anywho.... I wanted to take the time today to talk about something that I really love because it gives me a chance to screw with you humans..... SPAM.... Oh yes... It is so fun and I've been receiving so much of it lately, I haven't known what to do with myself... Take for example... the guy who visits this blag... and all that he posts in de comments section is his URL (which I took down de comments section, and you can just e-mail me with de comments.. which is better with less clutter.... JUST DO IT!!!!!!).... http://superflywebpimp.blogspot.com/...... superflywebpimp.... such de "original" name... thinks de rest of de world is suppose to be amazed at de great copy and pasting abilities he has of pasting stories or I think de are suppose to be jokes...... HA! ....... and we should all run to his site....

So what I did was first return his favor of de "SPAM de comments" section on his site.... And now "The Donkey" will invite de "Super Dumper Web Pump" to come and join me here:

at http://superflywebpimp.blogspot.com/ - "Dear Super Dumper Web Pump, Please join me at http://onedonkeyarmy.blogspot.com/ for a debate on 'SPAMMING: Why SPAMMERS SPAM' with yours truly.... "The Donkey" ".....

we'll see if my friend responds.....

Here's another one... by a silly human, I call the polite spammer...

hi. i came across your blog today while clicking on the "next blog"
button on blogger. i like it. i just wanted to let you know that if
you want more traffic, there is this site called blog explosion
(http://www.blogexplosion.com/index.php?ref=lefty) that generates a
lot of traffic. not trying to scam you or anything. it's free. i'm
using it and i thought you might be interested in giving it a look.
anyhow, i bookmarked your blog and i'll keep checking back.

if you already know about blog explosion, then nevermind. :) if you
sign up and want to know more about how it works, just e-mail me.

http://www.blogexplosion.com/index.php?ref=lefty

Now... this is de "polite" spamming.... he really doesn't want to be known as a spammer.... so he does it nicely... so I decided to have some fun with de guy when in a reply e-mail:

First I call him out -
You love it? GREAT!!!! Which part did you love?.....

Then I fool with de head a little:
Can "The Donkey" take de "?ref=lefty" out of the URL and just go to:

http://www.blogexplosion.com/index.php to register? Everytime, I put
in the URL with the "?ref=lefty" I get this crazy you are forbidden to
access this page.... you might want to check on that....
(see the link really works... I just wanted to see if I could bafool him...)

Then I prounce on him.... and try to get de digits of a hottie:
Did you really bookmark my site and are gonna check back? Or are you
just pulling de donkey's tail? You know "The Donkey" does not like his
tail pulled..... He visited your site you know.... and there is a
pretty nice picture of a donkey on de top of de page..... NO! NO!.....
Not de donkey on de left.... de donkey on the right is de one I'm
talking about....I was wondering if you had the rest of de picture and
maybe her digits for me to get in de contact with her.... she is
single, no?

So ... I waited.... to see if he would respond... and to my surprise he did.....

hahahahahaha... you're crazy. (This mean he love "the Donkey")

you can ref=lefty out but if it asks you for a referrer you could say me. ;) (Then mean it worked

i thought that was the link i was supposed to give you to get a
referral. i don't know.
(This mean it worked... "The Donkey" bafooled him.... hehehe)

yes, i will check back often for your updates. (This is reassuring that he still loves "The Donkey")

Anyway.... Maybe he will learn not to do it again.. eh? And since the guy is a good guy... "The Donkey" will give him a plug:

"Visit * A la Gauche - Political News and Commentary from the Far Left *, it is a good blag... run by a silly bafooled human.... and there is some nice pictures of donkeys there as well..... "

Ok my friends, hopefully you learned something about having fun with de web community... and will see if "Super Dumper Wed Pump" comes and helps us figure out why spammers spam....

Until next time my friends..... looking forward to your e-mails....

Blog Hard: With a Vengeance

2004-12-04T20:01:00.000-05:00

HEY! This is Mr. Biggs. I'm taking over for "The Donkey" this weekend. I DON'T CARE IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT! YOU CAN LEARN TO DEAL WITH IT!

I'm gonna give you a little background information:

In 1972, Yours truly was sent to prison by a military court for a crime I didn't commit.

I promptly escaped a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground.

Today, still wanted by the government, I survive as a soldier of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find me, maybe you can hire...

EXCEPT I DON'T DO WINDOWS!

I met "The Donkey" on a job assignment, way back in the day. I had mistaken him for someone who is now an imprisoned former drug dealer: DONK WON . But in the end, "Donk Won" was captured & "The Donkey" was released. Later on him and I became great friends. SO DON'T F WITH HIM!

I specialize in Jujuitsu, Kung Fu, Grappling, Paw to Paw Combat, and I'm the 5 time "International Hamster Wheel Racing" Champion. So DON'T EVEN BOTHER RUNNING IF I'M LOOKING FOR YOU!

Enough about me. I'm here to tell you today about a couple reasons why "The Donkey" and I, laugh at you silly humans.....

PED XING SIGNS - Excuse my language but, WHAT THE FOCK IS A PED XING? AND WHY ARE YOU CONCERNED WITH THEM?

SALES - Have you ever noticed, anytime, anywhere, at every shopping store in America, they're having a SALE? Have you noticed those same stores, never not have a sale. Isn't the point of a sale, getting something below the regular price? But if that same something is NEVER at a regular price, wouldn't that moot the whole word "SALE!"

SODA POP - Let's see... Milk builds strong bones, Water keeps you hydrated, Juice gives you your vitamins, and you silly humans would rather be getting fat, have your teeth "rot" out of your head, and kill your bones... but it tastes so good! RIGHT?

I've got more. But I gotta run. I'll be handling the mail this weekend. Any questions, you know the usual place to send them to......

Mr. Biggs Hates "Blithering Idiots"

2004-12-03T21:58:00.000-05:00

SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!!! Everyone.... This is Mr. Biggs.... He's gots what they call de "short guy" mentality complex...... and he's ALWAYS PACKING HEAT..... SO WATCH YOUR TONGUE AROUND HIM!......

He doesn't say much....... but from time to time, he'll chime in and I would listen if I were you..... isn't that right "Mr. Biggs"?

Mr Biggs: "SHUT UP!"

Ok.... "Mr Biggs" is in a bad mood today.... so we will have to move on.....

So does everyone know what a "Swamp Donkey" is? We'll, I looked it up in de "Urban Dictionary" and here's de definition I got:

Swamp Donkey - A very ugly, usually fat girl who hangs around in bars and clubs waiting to sexually assault males who are too drunk to defend themselves.
"Damn! Look at her! What a swamp donkey!"

This is not cool gentleman.... de ladies come in all different shapes and sizes, you silly human boys should treat them like ladies...... Maybe if you treat de, what you call "Swamp Donkeys" with a little respect... they will take care of themselves and turn into "Hot 80's Chicks"......"Hubba, Hubba!" .... Eh?

Anywho..... If you silly humans want to mock somebody.... Just go here.... and mock this guy....Rubber-Nosed Swamp Donkey...... These are de real bastards who should be in de "Urban Dictionary" under "Dickless Fist Fockers".... I understand you humans need to eat and you have to kill de animals to do so... "The Donkey" understands de food chain very well.... But killing for sport, and making it some kind of great trophy..... Sorry.... but to me.... This makes you a "Dickless Fist Focker"...... But this guy refers to himself as the "Blithering Idiot" and I had to agree with him.... as you can see I left him a little note his comments section........ Maybe "The Donkey" should start HOOFING Season......

"IT'S HOOFING SEASON BEACHES!!!! WATCH OUT!!!!"

Mr. Biggs is PISSED!....... Let's go Mr. Biggs......

Blackout leads to Classic Holiday Song & "Hot 80's Chicks" DIG IT!!

2004-12-03T15:44:00.000-05:00

Good Day my silly human friends!!!!.... How are you doing to day? Very well, I hope..... So anywho.... While I'm working on a couple of "really good" articles.... I just wanted to chime in here with a little story.... I was listening to de "All Christmas Music" radio station here... and "The Donkey" was singing de tunes... and getting in de "holiday spirits"... you know all that fun stuff.... Well, I have to say..... I might have had a little too much of de egg nog, but anywho.... I'm dancing, and prancing around, shakin my little tail when all of de sudden... DE POWER GOES OFF!!! ... and I'm frozen sudden with de fear because "The Donkey" is scared of de dark.... What? Oh... Your laughing... Oh hehehe... ha.. ha... chalk it up silly humans... it won't be so funny when you GET HOOFED IN DE TEETH!!!!.....

So... I'm standing there in de pitch of de darkness... with nothing to do, waiting for de light bulbs to kick back on... so, to calm my nerves.... I revert back to de Christmas songs on de radio... But I'm not very good at remembering de words... so I had to "ad lib" at certain parts....... but de man up stairs blessed this donk with de "good ad libbing" gene.... so this one is sure to be a classic...

(sing to de tune of "Rudolph, De Red Nose Reindeer")

Oh...............................
"The Donkey" de handsome burro....
With de nice gray fur from head to toes......
If you pull on his tail....
He'll HOOF you in de F of de Mother Nose...

He's a really, really funny donkey....
It sucks, he's only 4 foot 3......
He's also scared of de dark......
That's why he's standing in a puddle of pee.....

HE'S BEEN LAUGHING AT DE SILLY HUMANS, SINCE DE YEAR 2 THOUSAND AND 4.....
IF YOU'RE A "HOT 80's CHICK"... CALL ME AT 555-1-2-3-FOUR... (you can't rhyme "4" with "four"... I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT, IT'S MY DAMN SONG! BASTARD!)

Then de "HOT 80's Chicks" will love him....
As he drools over their "mammary"'s...
Oh my god this song is AWESOME.........
I'll put it on my blag...... One Donkey Armyeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....

I know... I know.... It's a gonna be a classic.... no time to get de CD out now... but look for it "X-mas 2005"........

Again... make sure you return often..... "The Donkey" is working on some good stuff...... and don't forget de "Mission to 1 Million E-mails" in de top right corner....

until next time...

Donkey Props to Music Bloggers

2004-12-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

Just to chime in here real quick my friends... "The Donkey" is a HUGE music lover... of all kinds of de "silly human" music too...... He thrives on it everyday to keep him going... on de site coming soon, there will be a section on this... but I'd like you to make sure you visit the 2 new sites in de link section to your right..... grapeJuiceplus and You Ain't No Picasso are what you humans like to say... "Bad ASS" sites so show your support and check them out....... "The Donkey" will be very picky on de links that go there... and those two are definitely worthy of a spot......

The Spontaneous Experiment & Super BASTARD Corporate Revenge

2004-12-02T15:12:00.000-05:00

Hokey Dokey... Since today is one of those "rare" days were my e-mail isn't over flowing with fan mail and suggestions on "babblings" to "babble on"... I decided to go out on de limb and actually talk about something totally spontaneois... spuntenaounos..... spoonteanenie... YOU KNOW.... when you start something out of de blue!... Yeah, that's what I'm gonna do.... so right now, I'm gonna click on one of those crazy contraptions where it spits out a cool or crazy website... and NO MATTER WHAT THE SITES ABOUT .... That's what today's babblings will be on.... ok... here I go.... ready...... de website is (pressing de "crazy site pop up button" now) ..... great we got...

Identity and Individuality in Quantum Theory

(how de fock do I talk about QUANTUM THEORY! ..... way to pick a winner donk! You are surely gonna turn de site readers away with this one..... but it was de first one that popped up... I can not cheat de readers... but who's focking reading this anyways.............. I should just hit de focking button again they will never know... ok.... i'll do that... I'll hit de button again..... ready.... here it goes...... NO!!!!!! WAIT!!!! I CAN'T DO IT!!!! I can't cheat de silly humans.... they will need to know about quantateum theroy....... if they don't learn, who will teach them..... OK!! it's up to me.... I'll make it fun while learning.... as de use to do in de school when I was a young donkey.....here it goes...)

Oh! Look wow! what a cool site... "Quantateum Theroy" is what all de kids are "raving" about now a days..... Shall we began? Ok, let's give it a try.....

the definition of de "Quantateum Theroy" is......

quantum theory
n.

1. A theory in physics based on de principle that matter and energy have de properties of both particles and waves, created to explain de radiation of energy from a blackbody, de photoelectric effect, and de Bohr theory, and now used to account for a wide range of physical phenomena, including de existence of discrete packets of energy and matter, de uncertainty principle, and de exclusion principle.

2. Any of various specific applications of this theory.

(holy fock!... is that what it means? ugh.... I don't even know half those focking words in there..... I guess I'll have to wing it....)

What a great way to explain it!!....... I couldn't have said it better myself.... but just incase there are any "small silly humans" out there.... I will explain it to them......

For example... you have that bunny, always on de picture tube, loopty, motion reel, screen thingy...... who is of de color pink that runs around in circles beating de FOCK out of de annoying drum...... and always screaming about how he can keep beating de fock out of that drum and keep going, and going, and going.... brag-ing like he's de "focking man" with his pink ears, on how nothing out lasts him..... Well kids, de reason he keeps going, and going, and going is because he's got 2 BATTERY'S STUCK UP HIS ASS!! .... If you remove those 2 batteries.... de focking bunny keels over like he was yesterday's left-over dinner....

Those 2 batteries hold what de silly humans like to call "energy"..... so to explain "Quantateum Theroy"..... they measure this "energy" through a process called..... (oh god, I'm losing it.... I don't know anymore.... I'm pulling this stuff out of my ass... and I gots nothing else to reach for..... quick change de subject to something.... they DO IT TO YOU ALL DE TIME!!!! DO IT TO THEM!!!! They will forget about de "Quantateum Theroy" for a little while........... but what do I change it to? QUICK! SAY SOMETHING.......)

TACOS ARE DELICIOUS!!!

Chirp! Chrip!........ Chirp! Chrip!........

So in other news...... I found de most dis-pickable childrens game ever.... It's here: Donkey Game.... I can't believe they made something so cruel...... Well.............. in revenge..... "The Donkey" would like to bash this game to smithereens... "The Donkey" wants your help in showing those "Mattel" BASTARDS WHO'S DE BOSS!..... For me to get this game it will cost $16.95 (that is with de shipping)...... So I need DONATIONS my friends..... You're not donating and not gonna see anything for your contribution though... like all those other donating sites...... No my friends.... you will see de very images of this thing DESTROYED.... maybe in more ways than one........... Then your recognition will be eternally present on de great www.OneDonkeyArmy.com website... as soon as it is operational... and it's coming along very nicely I might add..... so click on this link DONATE and if you can "donate" a $1, $5.... HECK!.... 50 cents or a Nickel would be fine too..... We only need to get to $16.95 you silly humans....... anything would be much appreciated at getting back at those corporate BASTARDS!!!! Make poor, defenseless animals... into de fun and games.... WELL NO MORE!!!! YOU PICKED THE WRONG JACKASS TO MAKE GAMES OUT OF THIS TIME MUCHACHO!!!!

(ok.... I think they totally forgot about de "Quantateum Theroy".... so nows de time to trick de silly humans..............)

And that basically wraps up everything you need to know about "Quantateum Theroy"..... If you have any questions on "Quantateum Theroy" or anything else.... Please e-mail "The Donkey" at..... onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com and he will glad to teach you SILLY BASTARDS anything you need to know.... until next time..... Arevederchi!

Spread the word... OR ELSE!!! (Just Kidding... or am I???)

2004-12-02T01:39:00.000-05:00

Back again my friends.... Just wanted to pop in and see if one of de 3 people (I have no clue who they are) who actually read this "half-ass" blag of "The Donkey" could help spread a little of de word... If you can't and are too busy... I totally understand..... But see if I DO YOU ANY FOCKING FAVORS YOU BASTARD!!!!!!!

Sorry about that... anywho... Where was I ? Oh yeah... right.... you can help spread de word by adding a little banner on your website or blog.... they look like this:

and you can find them here in all sorts of pretty & cool colors for all of you acid freaks......

http://www.onedonkeyarmy.com/odabanners/odabanners.html

Thanks you ahead of time in helping de cause... and one day you might be helped in return....
(or hoofed in de mouth depending on whether or not you have de banner on your site)

Alright.... That's it for now.... be sure to e-mail me at that address in the top right corner... Sorry, I'm too lazy to make a link like this one for you to click on for my e-mail address.

Chow!

It's beginning to look alot like "Hee-Haw"

2004-12-01T13:23:00.000-05:00

Good Day!... my silly human friends..... It's the first of de month and a count down till one of what you silly humans believe to be de best holiday of the year.... Christmas.... "The Donkey" loves de Christmas too... you humans are kinder and funnier to be around this time of year... probably do to all the parties and drinking tht goes on ..... Speaking of drinking..... This my friends is one of "The Donkey"'s favorite things to do... so I'm gonna share with you right now one of the greatest "Egg Nog" Recipes you will ever see to get you in de "Holiday Spirit"..... ok... here we go... PAY ATTENTION!!! JUST DO IT!!!!!!!

"Hee-Haw" Egg Nog
----------------------------------------------------------------------
16 cups brown sugar
2 quarts goat milk
6 egg yolks & egg whites
1 Richard Simmons hip-bone
16 teaspoons vanilla extract
37 pinches ground nutmeg
3 Martha Stewart Homeade Cup Cakes
1 vat whipped cream, garnish
18 shots of whatever Tara Reid is drinking

Directions:

1. In a large blender... combine milk, eggs, vanilla extract, and de nutmeg until totally blended beyond all recoginition... this should be fairly smooth like a baby donkey's bockside.... if you must find a baby donkey to test for smoothness.... do so in a calm and careful manor for mmomy donkey might hoof you in de mouth if she catches you....

2. After testing for smoothness is complete... add in, and grind to pieces 1 "Richard Simmons" hip-bone.... not only will this improve your figure because you will be so energized like a jack-rabbit to dance to al de oldies.... but it will make you gay too.... GAY in a HAPPY sort of way... DON'T YOU MAKE ME TRY TO SOUND DE HOMOPHOBIC... I LIKE DE SILLY GAY HUMANS!! Hell.... my friend de cat is de gay, and he's only hit on me twice... but after a couple of hoofings... he knows were to draw de line..... maybe one day I will introduce you to him.... RIGHT NOW YOUR GETTING ME OFF TRACK!!!! DAMN YOU!!!

3. Next.... throw in 3 "Martha Stewart" Homemade cup cakes.... This will make you appear kinder to everyone... and make you appear innocent, when you screw everyone over on there Christmas gifts this year.... (hehehehe)

4. After that, combine 16 cups of brown sugar, to keep you extra awake... and 18 shots of whatever "Tara Reid" is drinking.... because you want to be the life of the party don't you.... Eh?

5. Finally poor into mugs and add 1 vat of de "whip cream" on top for garnish... it's soooo fluffy... everyone one loves de whip cream topping.... if you don't.... PISS OFF!!!!

Servings = 2

----------------------------------------------------------------------

That's it.... wonderful "Hee-Haw" Egg Nog straight from "The Donkey"...... Don't get too wasted though... you wouldn't want to have a "hang over" and miss the next great blag by yours truly.... until next time my friends...

"The Great Month in Review!"

2004-11-30T19:48:00.000-05:00

Good day my friends.... Today is de end of de month so I figured it would be a good time to review all de great things "The Donkey" has blessed you with in his great teachings... is this guy serious? Is that what your saying to yourself? Well you shouldn't be.... BECAUSE I'M NOT A GUY! I'M A DONKEY!! SILLY HUMAN BASTARDS!!

This is going to be a short review since this blag only started less than a week ago but that's YOUR FAULT FOR NOT MAKING ME THINK OF THIS SOONER!!! DAMN YOU!!! DON'T YOU TRY TO GET ME OFF DE SUBJECT!!!

Ok.... so ... here a goes de great "Month In Review: Reviewing De Month"... Sorry I yelled.... It's not nice to yell at my friends.... (silly humans)

"The Great Month in Review!" Hosted by: "The Donkey"

Let's get started my friends!

Lesson #1: Never play de satanic game of "Pin de Tail on de Donkey", until you send an e-mail to: onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com with your name, address, sex, height, weight, how many times you go to de gym a week, and anything else you might want to send.... so that I can find you, and HOOF YOU IN DE MOUTH YOU F of DE MOTHER!!!

Lesson #2: Do not.... I say again, DO NOT PISS OFF DOUBLE DECKER JUAN!!! Not only do you have de chance of him jumping on your back breaking every little silly human bone in your body. But he could EAT YOU also! Seriously.... I'm not playing around kids... Do what your Uncle Donkey tells you and STAY AWAY!!!

Lesson #4: Never count on "wireless internet" to work when you want it too.... especially when your trying to stop de BASTARD HUMAN POPULATION OF AMERICA from eating your best friend....

Lesson #3: Stay asleep on "Stupid People Wake Up Too F-ing Early" Friday.... plain and simple.... DON'T BE THAT SILLY HUMAN ON THE FRONT PAGE OF THE PAPER EVERYONE IS LAUGHING AT!!!!

Lesson #5: Never put 4 before 3, as seen above....... You come off looking stupid and dumb, and us "Donkey's" can get away with it because we are "assume"-ed to be that way.... but you know what "assume"-ing does.... It makes an ASS out of U and ME, except I am already an ASS so it does not effect me.... YOU SILLY HUMANS!!! (hehehehe).... wait.... LOOK WHAT YOU DID!!! YOU GOTS ME OFF DE TRACK!!!! DAMN YOU!!! DAMN YOU TO DE HELL!!!

Lesson #6: When trying to get a motivation for change, to free your people, or open de mind of de society, DON'T DO IT TOTALLY BLITZED!!! YOU ASS-BAGS!!!!

Lesson #7: This one is de most IMPORTANT of all..... E-MAIL "The" DAMN "Donkey" AT: ONEDONKEYARMY@GMAIL.COM... that's it, WHY YOU MAKE ME BEG!!! I've gotten 1 e-mail so far and I know DAMN WELL MORE PEOPLE READ THIS THING THAN THAT!!!.... why you no like? You make de donkey cry like a little school girl... WHO SAID THAT? I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AN HOOF YOU TO DEATH IF YOU DON'T E-MAIL ME, I SWEAR TO DE GOD OF DE ALMIGHTY E-MAIL INTERNET CONTRAPTION GOD THAT I WILL GET YOU!!! YOU DAMN HUMAN BASTARDS!!!

Alright! That's it.... What a great month it has been for you, all these free lessons and what not.... Be sure to come back next month... which by de way is tomorrow for anyone counting.... and join me for more great ramblings from yours truly.... Until next time my friends... whatever you do.... DO NOT PRESS THIS LINK! >> link

Stoners: Silly or Really Smart?

2004-11-29T21:42:00.000-05:00

So my friends... De other day I'm having one of those rare occasions of sitting in front of the tube... and flipping thru the channels like there is no tomorrow... I stumble on to de "Sundance Channel"..... Well they were showing this thing about mary-ju-wanna... This film, movie, loopty, reel, motion picture, tube show was titled "Weed"... very original name I might say (hey, it got my attention)....

Anywho.... So I'm interested because you know, when de donk was a young jackass he use to party with de... uh.... well de happy bunch.... and we use to clown around with de "Mr. Happy Smokey-Smoke Billabong Thingamajig".... and the Cypress Hill was banging in de back ground.... and we we're all taking de hit's from "Mr. Happy Smokey-Smoke Billabong Thingamajig" while acting like we were "insane in de membrane".... Trust me... it was de, what you kids like to say, "Off de Hook" thing you ever seen if you seen "Donkey Donk and de Happy Bunch"..... you know... we were feeling de "Good Vibrations" and Brian Wilson was not around... get me? We were "Livin La Vida Loca" and Ricky Martin was still in Menudo..... understand? We were "Like a Virgin, touched for de very First Time" and Madonna was.... uh... maybe that one is not a good.... DAMN YOU!!! YOU GET ME OFF TRACK FROM DE STORY!!!.... where was I .... I'm so lost....

Oh yeah, the tube show "Weed"..... I was watching and a lot of it was about people who were trying to get de "hemp" legalized for the 50,000 uses they were talking about.... they had hemp clothes, hemp hats, hemp shoe polish, etc. etc.... if you could name it, they could probably make it out of hemp..... They wanted it to legalize it for medical reasons, and for recreational reasons, to get de innocent people who were in de jails out if all de were in for was mary-ju-wanna.... Anyways, I don't have all day to explain de loopty reel thing you silly humans.... just rent it, or try and catch it on de sundance channel one day....

The reason I'm bringing this up is because.... every person de tube show interviewed.... every person that was pleading their case for de legalization of de Mary-jane in de USA.... every single one of them were STONED!..... I'm like sitting there and saying.... YOU ASS-BAGS! YOU JUST SET DE LEGALIZATION OF IT BACK 10 YEARS!!!..... Do you think anybody your trying to get your message across to is going to take you silly humans seriously when you are focking "blitzed" out of your mind? I just wanted to jump into de tube and hoof the hell out of each of them.... I wouldn't have minded a good contact high either but that's a whole nother story...... It's like showing up to a Metallica concert in your "Members Only" jacket and singing "We are de World".... the only thing that will accomplish is you'll get stared at, laughed at, and then your ass kicked by "Jed De Hillbilly".... Dudes... you've gots to get de Johnny Cochran to plead your case.... or somebody who does not smoke de smokey-smoke......"The Donkey"s impersonation of de silly stoner humans trying to convince de world of the benefits of de "weed":

"Duuuuudes! Yooou knowwww yooouuu can mayke hundreds and......... hundreds of things............. with.........................where am I? (hehehehehehehehehhee) Eye don't know where I am.... ... (hehehehehehehehe) hundreeeddds of things with hemp, MAAAN! Seriously Bro!"

... YOU SILLY BASTARDS!

Anywho.... Check it out if you find de time... it really was interesting and there were some good people on there making some good points... "The Donkey" is all for whatever makes you silly humans happy.....

Until next time..... feel free to send any "special brownies" to onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com.... "The Donkey" will thank you very much for them.....

The First Official "$2 Sucky Sucky" Contest

2004-11-28T23:03:00.000-05:00

Hello... All 3 people that might actually see this on de current date.... "The Donkey" is still working on getting www.onedonkeyarmy.com under full operation... I know all de fans are SOOOOOO excited and can't wait to visit de site every single hour of every single day, and tell all their friends and family so they too can dig "The Donkey"..... Until then... This blag is what you will have to just live with.....

But to "get things rolling" as you silly humans say.... I have decided to make de first official "$2 Sucky Sucky" Contest... Ok, calm down... don't everybody pee their pants at once... I'll explain de rules...

Basically, de rules are... I make the contest up, and then de winner gets $2... but no "sucky sucky", OH COME ON! I don't have time to travel the world giving "sucky sucky" to every silly human that wins.... Plus I do not swing de way of de dudes... if you get my drift you sick FOCKERS!!!!! ..... Instead of "sucky sucky" you get an official "One Donkey Army - Official Junior Jackass" Card personally autographed by "The Donkey" himself, so that you can show all your friends exactly how much cooler than them you really are....... NO SELLING THEM ON DE "EBAY" YOU BATCHES!!!!

Ok... De first Official "$2 Sucky Sucky" Contest is.... de first silly human to e-mail "The Donkey" at onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com with something to say like... "I'm your #1 fan" or "I love 'The Donkey'" or even "You suck" and maybe a little content or a question or de digits if your a "hot 80's chick"... you know something... if you e-mail me and you write the word "truck" in the e-mail then... NO you don't win!.... give me something to work with at least... you silly humans.... This contest will go on until someone wins and de only way one will win is if they see this blag and respond... until I update this blowg, with somebody has won, then nobody has won, so you could still win, so JUST E-MAIL ME DAMMIT!!! DON'T MAKE ME SOUND SO DESPERATE!!! I HAD TO NAME DE DAMN CONTEST "$2 SUCKY SUCKY" TO GET SOME DECENT E-MAIL OTHER THEN SPAM TO DE ACCOUNT!! DAMN YOU DAMN HUMANS!!! DAMN YOU!!!

Ok, sorry about that....... Make sure to read de fine print for rules on de contest below:

Must be 18 or older to participate. Any e-mail entered may be used, but e-mail address will be not be given out or published... I hate those "spam" bastards too!.... Refer to this contest somewhere in your e-mail. Winner will be notified by e-mail if they win. blah... blah... blah... yada... yada... yada... give me a break it's a $2 contest, I'm not about to get all official about it....

That's it.... Too easy right.... we'll see.... Someone will probably find it 3 years from now and I'll be out $2..... there goes my retirement fund.....

I'm off.... until next time my friends..... may de force be with you.... and me.... SHUT UP!

I'm not the Jackass.... but I am......

2004-11-27T18:50:00.000-05:00

Hello.. again.... Just to prove to you that I'm not just being a "Jackass" about de "Stupid People Wake Up Too F-ing Early Friday" Blag.... Check this out... (oh wait, I am a jackass....)

This guy, camped out from de 11pm Thursday night... till 6am Friday morning in front of de Best Buy waiting for de store doors to open....

What de Fock?

What could de Best Buy possibly be selling that would make you silly humans wait 7 HOURS, in just above freezing weather, to buy it..... I kept reading and searching through de Best Buy ads looking for something like "Free Plasma T.V.'s" or "Brand New Hummer H2 - Only $37.99" or even "Buy 1 Hooker, get 2nd Hooker Free"...... but no.... I could not find any of this..... Hell, maybe if de 5th coming of "Van Halen" was playing at de Best Buy, while I would be doing de shopping... then I could see showing up a little early.... Because de 5th coming of "Van Halen" would bring back all those "hot" 80's girls again... and then I could mingle between the CD's and the Washer/Dryer section and maybe get a couple of de digits.... or dance with de "Got it made Teachers"... you know, de 80's girls make de fur stand up all over de backside.... if you know what I mean.....

Anywho... I just want to say to de silly humans... Please, please, please..... Next year when "Stupid People Wake Up Too F-ing Early Friday" comes around... Remember this guy and DON'T BE SO STUPID!.....

Ok reminder, only from 6am till 12 noon tomorrow I will be taking e-mails for 37% off.... So e-mail me at onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com... or just_email_me_at_the_other_address@gmail.com

"Black Friday" renamed "Stupid People Wake Up Too F-ing Early Friday"

2004-11-26T13:27:00.000-05:00

Ah... good afternoon, my friends..... Hope everyone enjoyed de "Greatest Eating Day Ever" yesterday.... and I hope you stay'ed away from de "turkey", but you probably didn't... YOU BASTARDS!!!.... Anywho... today is what de silly American Humans call "Black Friday".... This is where millions of dumb people... think they're saving a buck by shopping 3 hours before de rest of the nation... wakes up..... Let's just see all the great things that they're saving on:

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Black & Decker Lids Off automatic jar opener

$29, Reg. 39.99

OUR LOWEST PRICE EVER!

Opens virtually any size jar with just a touch.

Oh yes... this is definitely worthy of a X-mas gift for Uncle Bob..... Not only does Uncle Bob not half to work-out his 300 pound fat ass.... but now, he no longer has to hurt his fat wrists turning the 400 jars of pickled hogs feet he eats everyday....this is genius.... 3 Stars

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The Simpsons - The Complete Fourth Season DVD

Sale 17.77, Reg. 39.99

OUR LOWEST PRICE EVER!

Fox. 4 DVDs.

This too is genius.... I mean who wouldn't want this cult classic in their stocking this year.... It's not like the re-runs that show on de FOX Channel EVERY SINGLE DAY are as good.... better to blow the $17.77 on the DVD so all de boys think that YOU ARE DE MAN!!

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Game Boy Advance - Lizzie McGuire 2 - Lizzie Diaries

23.44

Our lowest price of the holidays!

WTF? De poor youth of America..... whatever happen to de creative arts, you know... de coloring contests... de playing of de guitar or de paino.... something... don't get me wrong, I love de video games.... but does de life get so boring, that we gots to entertain de kids with "Lezzie McCheesburger Diaries"... I say it again.... WTF?

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E-L-M-O Song Elmo

Fisher Price Brands

Price: $24.99

Our lowest price of the holidays!

Yes... this is just what you need to go along with Tickle Me Elmo, I Love You Elmo, Chicken Dance Elmo, Put Me to Sleep Elmo, Give Me A Break Elmo, What de F are you looking at Elmo... De list goes on and on..... Don't wait... this one is sure to go fast......

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R&G "Batik" Lounge Pants

Orig. $30.00 - Now $14.99

Pad around your breezy beach bungalow (or just your bedroom) in these superlightweight drawstring lounge pants. Batik pattern conjures up island vibes. Button fly.

Sorry.... but you wouldn't catch me dead in these things.... but if you buy 3 pairs of these, look what you get... SPECIAL OFFER

Get this cuddly, plush Grover and Grover watch for $16.95 with $35 purchase.

Genius... Why wouldn't I buy them now!

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With all these Great Holiday Values... I've realized one thing... those humans who make the great trek out to de "Malls" & de "Super de Duper Saving Centers".... well, they're even stupider than I thought.....

Until next time, "The Donkey" wants to remind you to drive "extremely" fast this holiday weekend... you only live once, right?.... GRANDMA 10 POINTS!!!!

Happy Belated Thanksgiving

2004-11-25T19:45:00.000-05:00

The reason why this is "belated", well we have de world of wireless internet to thank for that..... Stupid wireless internet.... Never works when you need it to.... I can get my phone to be wireless easy.... But de internet... You gots to be a brain surgeon to operate the focker.... anywho... Here's this mornings blag.... This evening....
________________________________

Ah... Hello again my human friends.... If you are reading this session today.... Then you must know that we are all about to feast on one of de greatest eating days, in all de universe.... Thanksgiving Day..... This is de day where there is plenty of de "Stove Top" stuffing..... and de mashed potatoes.... Yams.... oh yes,"The Donkey" loves de Yams.....

But every year... There is one thing that you "humans" do to drive de donkeys "loco"..... You cut off de heads of our best friends.... and you eat them..... YOU BASTARDS!!!

Why?... Why must you eat a donkeys only true friend.... de "Turkey" does nothing to you..... How can he.... HE'S GOTS NO ARMS!!! He walks around and just does a little gobble gobble here... and a gobble gobble there... and you bastards say that is enough.... and you cut off "Mr. Turkeys" head....... YOU SON OF A BEACHES!!!

Oh... they gets some of you back in de long run though..... Especially you "turkey is for lovers" humans.... One of my turkey friends, who has unexpectedly disappeared, and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU ATE... IF ONE OF YOU F OF DE MOTHER HUMANS CUT HIS HEAD OFF, I SWEAR TO DE GOD OF EVERYTHING EVIL I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND HOOF YOU TILL YOUR HEAD FALLS OFF!!! ...... Sorry.... Anywho... Like I was saying, my turkey friend, his name is de Jack, told me that all turkeys are born with this stuff you silly humans like to call de "tryptophan".... Yes, you humans think it just puts you to sleep.... Well it does... But if you drink kerosene, that will probably put you to sleep too.... Well, not sure on that one... Never tried it..... maybe one of you could give it a go, and let me know if it puts you to sleep or not.... COME ON! It's for a good cause......

Alright, whatever..... anywho.....This "tripdefun" will eventually build up in your body.... and if you let it build up too much.... If you "turkey is for lovers" eat to much of de turkey..... BOOM!... Yes, where do you think spontaneous combustianna comes from? Eh? (hehehe)..... So you keep treating de turkeys bad and one day you will be a roasted marshmallow.....

Ok.... Time for me to join de holiday traffic jamboree to get to de peeps casa.... Before all de yams are gone.... Be thankful today that "The Donkey" took time to grace you with this awesomely, awesome post.... Yeah I know, who am I kidding.... Happy Thanksgiving Day everyone, and DAMN YOU HUMANS! STAY AWAY FROM DE TURKEY TODAY!

as usual... e-mail "The Donkey" at onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com with any babblings you might have.... Maybe you'll even be one of lucky ones and I will share your e-mail with de rest of de fan club.... All 3 of us....

May the fork be with you......

www.OneDonkeyArmy.com

2004-11-24T23:33:00.000-05:00

Ok, all my friends.... de interview with "Juan Valdez" and his commercialized coffee company did not go well.....Well, everything was going smooth until one of Juan's body doubles hopped on my back..... He was a big focker, and I sank to the ground like someone had shouted "B7" and hit my battleship.... Eventually, I had to be recessaah... recesseee.. Ah, you know when someone sticks there mouth over yours and blows... Yeah.... That's what happened to me..... Unfortunately for me.... Double Decker Juan was the recessatator.... Yeah, I know.... THAT WOKE ME UP!......Not sure if Double Decker was gonna save my life or eat me for afternoon snack... "Children! Stay away from Double Deckers! They're nothing but trouble!"

Anywho.... After being at de home of de "Blogger" Blogspot, Bloggity, Blog, Blog site... All of 5 hours, I decided that I should fork out a couple extra bucks and get this over to a "Real" domain address... So I can be like all de "cool" kids... and sport the dubya-dubya-dubya craze..... So that will all be up soon and you kids, and de adult kids too, can hear what this fine ass has to say at www.onedonkeyarmy.com

I'm out of here like a fat donk rolled in butter.... (<-- This last line is Copyright© One Donkey Army... Any reproduction or publication of this line with out de expressed written consent of "The Donkey" is pro-hobbited and will get you hoofed in the mouth)

In the beginning.....

2004-11-24T15:19:00.000-05:00

So... You want me to tell you a little about myself.... Ok, I can feel de ladies wanting to know.... I'm about 4'3", Brown Eyes.... Black Hair.... A nice coat of gray fur.... Am I turning any of you "jennys" on yet?

Yeah.... I did not think so.... The dark and handsome part is great for you beauties, but the 4'3" doesn't do much for the tall part..... Don't worry.... Your not the first to reject this donk...

It's kinda unfair..... I mean.... What was "Mr. Almighty" himself thinking when he made my species..... I've got the ears of a rabbit, the mouth of a horse, and the body of a long-legged pig..... If society would have labeled me and my kind a "Rabbidhorpig".... Well then, our kind would have been done in for sure.....You know I'm just saying....

Then look at our role models..... We've got Eeyore.... The poor guy walks around everywhere like Pooh Bear slipped him a spoonful of de honey laced with "ritalin"...... And he talks like he's trying out for the "Tree Ents" role in the "Lord of the Rings".... Yeah.... That's a great role model for de kids.... Hey, look kids... When you grow up, you too can be a slumbering, depressed oaf, who loses his tail all of the time....

Speaking of "removable" tails.... Who de hell came up with "Pin the Tail on de Donkey".... I'd like to meet that guy..... Then we can play "Pin de Donkey's foot in this guys ass".......See how he likes it.....

One time, this kid... Oh, he was about 16 years old... He came up to me... and tride to take my tail like I was de game poster donkey.... I guess he was gonna try and pin it somewhere else, for a little laugh, for a little Ha-Ha..... Oh yeah, you guessed it... I hoofed him right in the mouth.....It was great.... So much freedom in hoofing the humans in de mouths..... (hehehe) Hey, You know what de moral of this story is kids:

"Next time you want to go touching an ass... Make sure you use protection.... Or you'll get hoofed in the mouth."

Alright.... It's time to rap this session up.... I've got an interview in 10 minutes with de Columbian Coffee guy... You know, "Juan Valdez".... Yeah his Burro kicked the bucket.... and he's looking for replacements...... I know, I know..... I'm too good for the corporate coffee commercials.... HEY! A DONKEY'S GOTTA EAT... RIGHT?

If I actually get anybody to read this bloog... blueg.... blagh.... Ah... Whatever this contraption is.... You can e-mail me at: onedonkeyarmy@gmail.com

Let me know if you have something "The Donkey" needs to opinionate on... Or if you just hate my guts.....

Over & Out.....